My identity has changed in the last month. More than it ever has in such a short amount of time.
I’m finding that I am stronger than I thought and yet so much weaker. I know that probably doesn’t make much sense. My labor and birth changed me. It changed my relationship with The Officer. It changed my relationship with other women, especially mothers. It changed my relationship with my Maker.
Everything is different. Different in a very deep and personal and lonely place. Labor brought me there and midnight mothering keeps me there.
When I don’t know what’s wrong, when I can’t listen to the crying anymore, when I can barely keep my eyes open and the child won’t close hers, that’s when I have no idea who I am or what I’m doing. When I listen to worship songs, when I try to pray, I still have no idea who I am.
And yet – I know exactly who I belong to. I know where I came from. I know I am loved. My needs are met in the deepest, darkest places. I know that my God never changes. I move and change and fail. I grow weary and I stumble. I know my God never tires.
“As thy days, thy strength shall be.”
As we are in the season of advent, my soul finds rest. We are waiting for the baby to come, we know that Salvation is coming, but it is not yet here. The pains of this life are so real, yet there is someone coming to save us! So bitter, but the sweet is coming. Christmas is not here, but it is soon.