I sit on the couch, the Christmas tree aglow to my right, my sleeping babe to my left. Her tiny fingers and her soft, dark hair catch my eye and grab my heart. And yet. today. I can’t stop thinking about my other babies. The three who we never met. The ones we never got to coo over, kiss, or rock to sleep. Taking care of Squishy is a joy, she is a joy.
But it is all so bittersweet.
I thought November would be redeemed. Two of our babies went Home in the last two Novembers, and this November, we got to welcome Squishy into our earthly home. I thought that this season would feel better. I thought, foolishly, that my daughter’s live birth would make the pain of the past Novembers somehow go away. True enough. November will always have the joyful memory of the birth of our firstborn. But this does not take away the sting of the previous Novembers. No, those holes in my heart are still there. And they still ache.
Those babies never had to cry, they never had to hurt, they will never have to feel the pain of sin. But I never got to soothe their hurts or dry their eyes.
Dear Daddy-God, I miss them. Abba, please tell them I love them and that I will be there soon to kiss them, I just need to do a few things here first. And please, keep holding the pieces of my heart.
Thank you for loving me so well. Thank you for teaching me that you know better, that what I need is not what I want. Thank you for blessing us with our little girl. Thank you for giving us a child that we get to watch grow up. And Lord, give me that grace I need to be apart from my other babies and to be here fully for the one that is here.
Give me the grace to see and understand and make room in my heart and life for the One Baby that you sent so many years ago. The One Baby who is Emmanuel, who is God and Human, who is perfect, who is full of love and grace and peace. Be my King.