Cuh-loser.

9 June 2012 at 11:20 am (Uncategorized) (, , , , , )

It’s been a whirlwind of a month. Almost nothing has gone as hoped or planned. Can you spell topsy-turvy? I can: A-R-M-Y. Also, D-E-P-L-O-Y-M-E-N-T. We have been traveling all around, running around, trying to enjoy our time together, getting ready to be separated for way too long. Way too long for my heart to be ripped in two and living on  opposite sides of the world. We have been throwing caution into the wind and spending cashmoney on things that we normally wouldn’t, and I can’t even tell when it’s okay and when it’s foolish. And I can barely see straight through the fog and confusion, much less through the tears. The anger. The disappointment. The pride. The sadness. Even the excitement.

I’m not sure I can explain what this life is like to anyone unfamiliar with military life. I feel like I have barely dipped my toes into the ocean of this thing called the military and my head is spinning. It’s all so new, scary, unfamiliar, frustrating, and really quite neat.

My husband’s calling – our family’s calling – is, to say the least, NOT what I expected for my life. And as I’m trying to get my bearings, I am just scrambling to hold on and stand up straight. So all I can do is keep my eyes and my feet on The Rock that is my God. All I can do is the next thing. He knows what’s going on. He has a plan. And He loves me more than I can imagine.

My days are a roller coaster of emotions and thoughts. It’s such a weird place to be in, I almost want him just to go and be gone so we can get this started so we can get it over with. I think I’m ready.

I am not doing it all perfectly. I don’t think every step, thought, and deed is honoring my God. I’m just trying to survive. It takes conscious effort to keep my eyes on Him. I suppose that’s a good thing to practice. (See? God is doing something, here).

I don’t want this year to be just about surviving. I truly want to thrive. I want my marriage to thrive and grow, I want to grow in my skills as a mother, and mostly, I want to be growing closer to my God. I have no idea what is in store.

On the one hand, I want to be thriving, but I think any Army wife will tell me that sometimes, it’s okay just to survive today. It’s okay. I’m human, frail, broken, dust. And oh, so weak. And God’s power shows through so brightly, so mightily in my weakness. So I’m going to let myself be weak for a while. I’ll let God be the strong one, carrying me through the tumultuous weeks and months before me.

If this post is confusing and hereandthere and doesn’t make sense – it’s only a reflection of where my head and heart and life are right now. So I take this opportunity to tell you all, my friends and family (and any strangers that my stumble across this), that this is where I am right now. And I need all the help, prayers, love, calls, texts, company, and hugs that I can get. Here is my cry for help to my brothers and sisters in Christ.

And my the God of grace get all the glory.

1 Comment

  1. Ellen Barnett said,

    Love you, and will be praying!

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