This has been the longest few weeks of my life. Easy. I honestly can’t decide which is more difficult: childbirth or deployment. Missing my Other Half is more painful than I ever could have imagined. Knowing he’s in a dangerous place is not new to me, since his job at home is a police officer, but not being able to hug him between shifts sucks. Every time I get to talk to him, whether that’s on Skype or a quick message on Facebook, I breathe a sigh of relief knowing he has made it this far. The anxiety and aching is enough to overwhelm me completely, enough to paralyze me from functioning like a normal human being.
But I simply CANNOT let it do that to me. He’s gone for so long that I can’t just find someone to take the baby or put on Elmo for a year. Even if I didn’t have Squishy to take care of, I couldn’t do that to myself!
So I’m searching for ways to actually live. To find joy. To enjoy my days. It’s an honest internal battle that I win some days, and lose other days. Where I find my strength: God’s Word.
“This is the day that the Lord has made, let us rejoice and be glad in it!” It doesn’t say, “if everything is going well, if you have what you want and you are feeling well, be happy.” God made EACH day. The Halcyon days and the stormy days that you don’t know you’ll make through. Even the times where the powerful wind and rains don’t seem to ever stop. God made those days and tells us to rejoice in them.
In his letter, James tells us right off the bat, “Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness and let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.” God is really DOING something with this trial. He is bringing something into my life that wouldn’t happen without this trial. He is making me whole, complete, more like himself. And that is joy! Knowing my Father is joy. I am constantly praying for God to show himself to me and teach me more about himself, so I am learning to accept the ways he is teaching me. Honestly, I could not learn the lessons I am learning if everything was good all the time. I have to lean on him and trust in his love!
God is also bringing me through this through physical means: endless cups of coffee, a glass of wine here and there, good friends and conversation, people who need love, my mama and dad, weddings to celebrate, sunsets, baby giggles, and lots of people to pray for.
He is good. He is worthy. Bless his Holy Name!