Called to Fearlessness
I was reading 1 Peter this morning while I was holding my teething babygirl during her nap – hoping to help her sleep longer. In chapter three, Peter begins talking about wives and husbands. It’s wonderful to read, to be reminded of the woman I am called to be. And then I read the following, “And you are [Sarah’s] children, if you do good and do not fear anything that is frightening.”
Shut. the. front. door.
Do not fear anything that is frightening? But God! It’s frightening! You want me to not be afraid of anything that is frightening? It doesn’t make any sense! Not to me, anyway. But that is what I am called to. I am called to peace, to trust, to faith. Even when it doesn’t make sense. None of these can co-exist with fear. My Good God is Sovereign. Do I really believe that? I do, but if I really do, why don’t I act like it? If I really believe that God is all Sovereign, all powerful, all wise, and all good, then truly, truly I have nothing to fear. Nothing. Not even if it is frightening.
Here are something things that I consider frightening: being away from my best friend and husband for a long time, being a single parent, a single parent to this high-needs child, sleepless nights with no backup, what if she gets really sick?, my husband being at war, what he will see, what he will do, what might happen to him, what if he doesn’t come home?, and then what about when he does?, what if he doesn’t come home whole?, him coming home not being the same man, our marriage falling apart, somehow going back to having him home when he’d been gone so long, the changes that I will face in myself, the changes in him, his scars, how his scars might hurt him, or me, or our daughter. How will anything ever be normal again?
This is the short list. And it will consume me if I let it. It will cripple and destroy me if I fear what is frightening.
I am called to not fear anything that is frightening.
Lord, help me. I choose you. I choose peace.
Some thoughts on a lonely night.
Each day separated from my love makes my heart a little bit heavier. Each night that I can’t hug him. Each evening he can’t read to our little girl.
But each morning, he’s one day closer to being home again.
Today was a rough day. Squishy girl and I went down to the ATL to visit some friends, and she did great on the trip there. But the way back? Three hours of screaming. I don’t regret going to visit them, I needed to get out of this town. But this whole “I hate the car” thing just sucks.
Tomorrow, it will be less than two weeks till I see him again. And then we prepare for the deployment – I will cherish every look, every moment, every touch. Memorize his smell and the way it feels to put my forehead in the nape of his neck, my fingertips across his chest. The warmth of his skin and in his gaze. I will need each memory to get through the next year. I will burn them into my mind and into my heart.
Update on simplification…
It’s slow going. My parents are here to help me out. We’ve gotten things cleaned and put away, now is the time to go through it all. I do have somewhat of a deadline. There is a yard sale to raise money for my husband’s unit’s FRG (family readiness group). I hope to donate a few things. It’s time to say goodbye to some things I’ve been holding onto. This may hurt a little bit.
But that’s the point, right?
to seek joy 